The Matrix Retarded
by Arnica Man
Summary: This is something that I have been writing in writing class, it is pretty stupid, hence the title. If you like random humor, and are not bothered by curse words, then you should R
1. Mary, Jim, and I

**The Matrix Retarded**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the matrix, any of the characters I use/used. Nuff said.**

Mary, Jim, and I were walking down the street one spring day, when I suddenly felt a disturbance in the force. I turned around just in time to see the short skinny man try to stab Mary. I pushed her out of the way, and broke skinnies hand. He fell on the ground, writhing in pain. Then I felt an incredible force slam me on the back of my head, and everything went black.

I woke up in a dark room, and heard a voice. The voice said, "Mr.Anderson, have you ever just sat there and stared at it? You know the matrix?"

I started to wig out, who was Mr.Anderson? What was the matrix? Why was this man sticking a bug into my stomach? Suddenly, a girl in a tight leather unitard crashed through a brick wall, and started screaming "DIE!" at the top of her lungs, all the while, shooting the man who talked about the matrix. When he was finally dead, I looked up at her and asked, "Potato?" She replied, "Potata!" "NO!" I cried, everything I ever knew about the English language was wrong. When I was done screaming, she punched me in the face, and knocked me unconscious. When I came to, I was in a big pot of sticky goo. I started to fall, and was about to hit the ground and meet the reaper, when a giant potato broke my fall. Samuel L. Jackson was waiting for me, and he said, "It's called English, do you speak it motha fucka?

"I'm not really sure anymore, potato?" I asked. "Are you retarded motha f" Tall skinny white boy stepped out of the shadows and said, " Samuel, shut the fuck" tall skinny white boy fell to the ground and started to scream. "That is what you get for trying to over ride your censor chip!" yelled Samuel L. Jackson. "What is a censor chip?" I asked. "Cursing has become a problem in the past millennia, so everyone, except Samuel L. Jackson, has a chip installed in their brain that keeps them from hearing curse words, and if they so much as utter a curse word… well…" replied tall skinny white boy. "What is your name tall skinny white boy?" I asked


	2. Tall Skinny White Boy

If I were invisible, would you have just asked me that question?" asked tall skinny white boy. "No..." I replied. "Well, now I... am... NOT INVISIBLE!" Cried tall skinny white boy. "I knew that, now, what is your name?" I asked. "Winston." Replied the tall skinny white boy whose name was Winston. "So Mr.Winston, what is the matrix, who is Mr.Anderson, and why did that man stick a bug into my stomach?" I asked. "The matrix is a complex computer program designed to oppress the humans, you are Mr.Anderson, and that bug will kill you the next time you enter the matrix."

I looked to the side and said, "So, what are we going to do, I can't enter this _matrix_ you speak of, so how can I help you?" I asked. "You can't enter THE matrix, but you can enter A matrix." Winston replied. "What the hell?" I asked. "There is more than one matrix Neo." Winston said. "Who the fuck is Neo?" I cried. "You are Neo." Replied Winston. "But I thought I was Mr.Anderson!" I shouted as I really began to get pissed off. "You are Mr.Anderson." calmly stated Winston. "But I'm also Neo?" I asked as I started to calm down. "Yes" stated Winston. "So I have three personalities?" I wondered aloud. "No, you only have one." said Winston. "Then how the hell do I have three names?" I asked hotly. "Neo is an anagram of one, you are the one. The agents call the one Mr.Anderson. So your true name is Joe, the agents call you Mr.Anderson, and all of Zion will call you Neo." replied Winston. "My name is Paul…" I whispered. "YOUR NAME IS FREAKING JOE!" Shouted Winston. "O…K… my name is Joe…" I cautiously said. "Ok, now that we have that cleared up, I am going to stick these really long needles into your arms, legs, spine, and head.


	3. I don't like needles

"Umm… I don't like needles." I said. "Well, it's the needles, or I can hit you over the head with this hot poker, and install the needles when you're unconscious." Retorted Winston. "Can I have the hot poker method?" I asked. "No, I was being a smart asBUTT!" Winston corrected himself at the last second. "I hate you." I stated. "I hate you too buddy."

The next thing I knew, I was in a big white room with Samuel L. Jackson and the girl in the tight leather unitard. "Where are we? And who is the girl in the tight leather unitard?" I asked "We are in our own matrix, and this is Winston." replied Samuel L. Jackson. "… Wasn't Winston the tall skinny white boy?" I asked. "He is in real life, but he took the Red Pill AND the Blue Pill. Now when he enters the matrix, he becomes a woman." Samuel L. Jackson said.

"What pills?" I asked. "The Red Pill and the Blue Pill! You know, Trinity asked you which one you wanted, and you chose the Red Pill!" Samuel L. Jackson said. "I have no idea what you're talking about… and who is Trinity?" I asked as I drifted into a state of pure and utter confusion. "Trinity… you did give him a choice didn't you?" Samuel L. Jackson said in a tone of annoyance. "Gee, about that…" Winston started to say. "This is fuckin' great! You didn't give the One a choice!" Samuel L. Jackson shouted. "I didn't want there to be the risk of him saying no…" Winston mumbled. "Well, we might as well explain," Samuel L. Jackson said hotly "the pills are complex computer programs that… umm… do stuff that lets us track you or wipe your memory" "So, why are we here?" I asked. "Weapons!" replied Winston quirkily. "Weapons… this is just a big empty room." I said. "hold on, TANK, GET US SOME WEAPONS!" Winston shouted. Rows of guns flew in from nowhere, one row hit me, and I was carried with it, away from my friends. "SHIT!" I cried. Apparently shit was the word that logs you into a matrix. I had just enough time to grab an automatic shotgun.


	4. An apartment and a monkey

I arrived in an old worn down apartment. I pulled out my cell phone and pressed '0' "Operator." said the operator. "Tank! I need to get out of here!" I exclaimed. "Me too man the weed is only a temporary escape." said the operator. "Tank?" I asked. "Who's Tank?" replied the obviously stoned operator. "God damnit!" I cried as I hung up the phone and dialed '0' again. "Operator" said the operator. "Tank?" I asked. "Yes Neo?" responded Tank. "Thank god, I need to get out of here." I said. "Hold on… I have an exit at Twenty-Two and Third." replied Tank. "… Where the fuck is Twenty-Two and Third?" I asked. "Down the street, to your left, in the subway." responded Tank. I jumped out of the 20 story apartment, and landed on the ground unscathed. I looked to my left and saw a Subway sign, then I heard a strange noise to my right, a rabid monkey was after me! I ran down the street, and into the subway. I could hear the monkey at my heels. "Oh shit!" I cried as I ran into a telephone booth. I closed the door and saw the monkey slam into the glass. I laughed my arms off, and heard a smooth voice say, "Mr. Anderson, let me in this instant, or I shall tear apart the booth with my claws." "Holy shit… it talks" I said as I stared at the monkey in amazment.


	5. A Tank and two lessons

"Neo! Awnser the phone!" cried Tank. I snapped back into reality just long enough to pick up the phone and get logged out. "Thanks Tank." I said as he unplugged me from the machine. "Damn!" muttered Tank as he stepped back to the computer screen. "What?" I asked. "Well, it's just that when most people see the Dislexic Monkey Agents for the first time they are too stunned to do anything but run, let alone slam a door and pick up a phone, so I sent Winston in after you." replied Tank. "Wait! I thought everyone had a censor chip! How did you just say damn?" I asked. "Man, you're a dumbass, I'm 100 human, no plugs or anything, so they have no way to install a chip. Now aren't you a little bit worried about Winston?" asked Tank. "Right, I better go and save him using the power of the One." I said. "But you don't know Kung Fu." whined Tank. "Holy christ, alright teach me everything, but in the mean time send in someone to save Winstons ass." I said. "I will send in Samuel L. Jackson." responded Tank. I sat back down in the chair and learned two things. The first being that the needles don't feel better, and the second being Kung Fu.


	6. A monkey, a script, and a phone booth

8 hours later I jacked in and saw Samuel L. Jackson and Winston walking away from me. They looked like they had been in a huge battle, with their torn cloths and clearly empty ammunition cartridges. "Hey guys, I know Kung Fu." Was what I would have said if Samuel L. Jackson hadn't turned around and shot at me with a Fifty Calabur bullet when I started to say "Hey".

I tried to dodge, but the bullet hit me in the left shoulder, and I was thrown backwards into a wall. "Oh shit." I mumbled as I tried to focus. "What the hell was that for?" I asked. "You moved just like an agent." Samuel L. Jackson said. "He didn't move at all you idiot!" said Winston. "Oh, must have been my bad eyesight." Said Samuel L. Jackson.

"So what are we going to do now?" I asked as I tore part of my trenchcoat off to make a makeshift bandage. "Well, this stack of papers says that… Samuel L. Jackson is going to be kidnapped by an agent… you will go to see the oracle… we will save Samuel L. Jackson… and you will have a really cool fight with an agent." Said Winston. "That sounds cool I guess." I said. "Oh, but we're mainly here to get that bug out of you, so, hold still." Said Samuel L. Jackson, as he pulled out a creepy thing that he put on my stomach. "That can't be safHOLY JESUS!" I cried as Samuel L. Jackson pulled the bug out of me.

Just as we were about to flush the toilet and destroy the bug, a dislexic monkey with rabies smashed through the concrete wall and tackled Samuel L. Jackson to the ground, and dragged him back through the wall. Then the man who talked about the matrix stepped through the wall and said, "Mr.Anderson, we will meet again, and when we do, I will not let you leave." Said the man who talked about the matrix. He then followed the monkey, and Winston said, "We better get out of here while we can." "Right…" I muttered as I awnsered the telephone.


	7. A mangled body and an angry sister

When I was unplugged I saw Tank waiting for me, he said, "Neo, you have to see the oracle." I was slighly shocked, "Damn, can I get a shower?" I asked. "No." replied Tank. "Why didn't you just tell me to go there when I was jacked in a minute ago?" I asked. "Because I don't like you" was my awnser.

5 minutes later I was in the matrix and Winston was leading me to the oracle. I walked into an appartment, as Winston directed me to, and there was a child bending spoons with his mind. He looked nothing like an agent, so I knew it had to be a trap. I screamed like a little girl and threw him out a window to his death.

A girl who was levitating blocks looked up at me like she was going to cry and said, "That was my brother jackass!" I looked from the mangled body in the street, to her. "I'm sorry," I said "I thought he was an agent." "HOW COULD HE BE AN AGENT? YOU BASTARD!" she screamed as she started to 'levitate' blocks at my head. I dodged three of the blocks, but the fourth hit me in the face and broke my nose. "Dat 'urb 'ou 'ibble bish!" I cried as I jumped up and started to beat the shit out of the little girl. Then an old lady came out of a room and said "Joe! What the hell are you doing to my daughter?" I gave her a blank stare and said, "She broke my nose…" "Then how the hell are you talking? And where is the blood?" she asked as she pulled a fully automatic shotgun from under her coat.


End file.
